Hillarious anctidotes of the big fat blue cat that thinks he's human.
2006/1/27
@ 05:44 PM (31 months, 14 days ago)
CHAPTER TWO
There
hav been much supposition concern my earlier years specally those
immediately after my abduction by pyrates! Certanely my memories of the
time are a tad sketchy but recent revoveries of suppressed memory hav
helped to piece together a bit of those days. It turned out that the
evil pyrates had nabbed me in hopes of replacing the ships cat what had
got run over by a gravel truck or some such. They themselves were not
half so evil as was made out but found the notious reputation good for
business and so made out to be more evil with multitudinous arr arr
arrs and a grate whaling about with cutlasses and pistols most of which
were unsharpened and unloaded! In any case I found myself treated most
agreeably with 'here kitty kitty', bowls of fresh cream and much belly
rubbing and scratches behind the ears. Of course I was expect to rid
the ship of rats - creatures most dreddfull waht took heinous plezzure
in ganging up on me in dark corners and threatening me with dire
consequences if I dared to interfere with their business. Tho
outnumbered by a grate multitude of these evil malefactors in a pyrate
ship that was a maloderous rotting warren full of the filthy beasts, in
time I grew most abundantly on fresh cream and kind pats and with my
superior size and unbounded courage, I vanquished their superior
numbers most effectively.
The pyrate Captain was most plezzed
but wrack by gilt that he had abduct me from my princly home. Hard to
know from which kingdom my young self had come but he finaly do the
right thing and leave me off at the next port of call. The pyrates most
sad to see me go and so cry and wail when I am going down the
gangplank. It was a most piteous site what brought tears to my eyes for
I had come to grately luv the fresh cream and multitudinous pats and
scratches from the scurvy crew. Still I set about the continuing
adventure of my life as the pyrates waved goodbye and sailed off to
pillage and plunder elsewhere. Turning my tail on a life of pyratsy I
trod off with a stout heart into the dark - dangerous and most evilist
streets of Old Victoria!
2005/12/18
@ 12:21 PM (32 months, 24 days ago)
It was the night before Christmas
down at our house.......
Not a peep coud be heard
cause I killed every mouse.
Except for the old Fart
asleep in his bed.............
Farting farts loud enough
to awaken the dead!
Suddenly from the roof came
a crash and a bang.
Causing me to fear intrusion
from some home invasion gang!
I leapt from the couch to the hearth
in a single bound.........
As down from the chimney
came a shuffling sound...........
To await by the fireplace
as the first thief came down-
Claws sharpened and ready
to shred up the clown!
Then as his dark shiny boots slowly
came into view...........
I dug in those claws and
he knew he was through!
He screamed and he begged, but I was
a cat without pity..............
His worst nightmare come true,
a psychotic fat kitty!
In only a few moments
you could tell of a glance,
The jolly fat intruder had never
stood a chance.
Little was left but bones and
a shredded red rag.
Plus all of the boodle
he'd packed in his bag!
Chalk up another victim
to the deadly watch cat......
But thank him for the presents
and the jaunty red hat!
So as I crawled back on the couch
and turned out the light,
I wished everyone Merry Christmas
and to all a good night!
2005/10/22
@ 02:18 PM (34 months, 21 days ago)
Halloween
is nearly upon us and as all chilrens are keenly aware punkin murduring
time is here - so round up the choppers, loppers and stabbers for
slicing and dicing the punkins skulls!
At our house the Old Fart
long ago give up decorating for the big day and hav left the dreadfull
task of punkin murdur to the bird and me. Just as well since he so
clumsy he might hav cut himself most dreadfully and so is lucky to hav
survived years worth of halloweens with all his fingers intact! Also
most fortunate he leave the job to us cause the resulting punkin faces
a grate improvement over his sorry efforts of recent years! Still he
manages to drag home a few choice punkins and we will perform the
delicate surgeries what transform them into trewly frightening
vegetables for the scare all the littlist chilrens, then be made into
pies afterwards most deliciously!
As in any sucessfull crime
carefull preperation most important and the whole kitchen floor should
be covered by old newspapers to catch all the gore and copious gobs of
punkin branes when the carnage begins! Place the unwary punkins in the
middle of the newspapers, then chose your murdur weapon and hiding it
behind your back approach the wary punkin lolling it into a false sense
of security with pretty words like 'How are you today Mr Punkin' or
'Grate weather for the time of year' or such. Then catching them
unwares leap upon them plunging in the top of their skulls with the
dagger while screaming "Die Die punkin demon from Hell! While sawing
out a big hole in the top of the punkins head, if there are any highly
impressionable young tykes witnessing the horror for first time, you
can liten the mood by telling them how all vegetables screem in agony
while dying but that can only be herd by special designed scientific
instruements for detecting punkin screams! Besides tears and blubbering
at the mounting horrors, with luck the little monsters will be disuaded
from ever eating their veggies agane Har Har! Now plunging both paws
through the gaping hole what you have just concluded sawing in the top
of the punkin skull, squish the slippery slimey punkin branes between
your digits and pulling out grate gobs of branes, splatter the
appalling gorey mess all over the newspapers already most carefully
prepared! This most enjoyable and mounts horror upon horror for all the
little ones watching the murder with mounting trepidations for the
coming festivities!
A large spoon may be employed in the final
work of gouging out the last of the branes so the work of perforating
punkin eyes, noses, and wide grimacing mouthes can begin! This bit can
be triky and nasty cuts can be earned by the unwary and also good
artists are also most handy to draw designs of wincing contorted punkin
death masks, usefull later in attracting all the ghost and goulies on
Halloween eve!
All joking aside, these operations in trewth not
trewly murduring the punkins at all, tho I can imagine they wake up
with a splitting headache afterwards, but with no more branes they
cannot remember their former lives and look forward most fondly to be
made into pies later! Besides - such is the lot of all punkins!
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2005/10/17
2005/10/6
@ 01:35 PM (35 months, 7 days ago)
I
is here in the Old Fart's kitchen hiding under my blankie in my
baskett! I is carefully watching a big fatt fly lazly buzzing about
from here to there! Buzz, buzz, buzz - first to the counter where he
dance and leave little fly feetprints all over the butter - then crap
fly specs on the Old Fart's Wonder Bread. Serve the Old Fart right
cause he never close the bread bag after that last peanut butter and
bacon sandwhich - which he never share with starving kitties! Then up
again round and round - back and forth you go but my eyes fixed on you
little fly and sooner or later you will come within my reach and I
shalll eat you little fly buggie and crunch you up like a little furry
fly popcorn! Snap crackly pop - you will be a tasty tidbit treat on a
hot afternoon. So fly fly while you can but my eyes never leave you and
my patience is endless. Bird say patience be damnd - I is to incredibly
lazy to move naught but my eyes. The bird is one to talk - what whacks
his face - beak first - against a tree in hopes some stupid tree bug
hear him knocking and stick its head out a hole and so present itselfs
for the bird's lunch! With all that head banging is no doubt the bird
is dozy all the time and unable to figur out my devilishly clever
strategems. Clearly the fly stand no chance on account of his brain so
small and mine so big! What chance flying garbage munchers got against
feline superority?
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2005/9/28
@ 03:48 PM (35 months, 15 days ago)
Walkies
something for dogs. Fury fools hears "WALKIES" and jump up and down all
excited to get dragged up and down the sidewalk - forced to crap out in
public and have those crazy humans pick it up and save it in baggies
like some treasure or somewhot! Discusting!
All cats essentally
lazy and just as soon sleep most of the time anyhow. Enuff walkies for
me is from my blanket to the food dish and back whot seems some days
like a safari or somewhot! Unfortunatly the Old Fart never had a dog
but like all humans seem to need to drag some kind of poor animal along
with them wherever theys goes. Old Fart no exeption. When he needs to
go down to the cornor store for some milk or comic or somewhot if I am
not making myself scarce he wagging his tongue "WALKIES, WALKIES, BLAH,
BLAH, BLAH" and I find myself co-hersed into dragging my butt behind
him all the way there and back. Most fortunately he neglected to bring
the baggies so any expetation that I crap on command never arises and
I's is left free to conduct such stuff elsewhere! Plod, plod, plod
behind the Old Fart as he shuffles intermably along in his slippers
leaving yours trewly to bring up the rear burning my paw pads on the
sidewalk in summer or worse yet getting them wet in winter if it snows
I simply refuse to leave the house at all. Uncivilized passtime in any
case. Walkies is foolishniss for all dogs which are stupid anyhow so
can't appreciate the finer things in life like sleeping all day and
only visiting the litter box when it is impossible to avoid the effort.
But the Old Fart needs me and so I am forced to continue the trips and
lead him home agane otherwise he might get lost and never return. I
suppose it is a small price to pay for bed and breakfast and that least
if I plays the part the Old Fart will forbear to get a fat stinky dog
to replace me!
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2005/9/27
@ 03:12 PM (35 months, 16 days ago)
Given
that cats can't be choosers I got poor choice of dietary rekuirements
while resident with the Old Fart. Stupid humans think all cats the same
and that none of us knows the difference between good grub or bad and
don't much care anyhow! While they stuff their gobs with all manner of
de-lectable stuff they think nothing of plopping a spoonful of crap in
our food bowls before returning to the dinner table full of good stuff!
I make the mistake of acktually eating some kitty dreck while the Old
Fart was still in the kitchen. The fool assumed I partickularely liked
the taste cause he ran out and bought a life time supply of kitty dreck
in a drum and now I is perpetually stuck with the same stuff nite after
nite. Who know whot stuff they put in there anyhow. Whot they think
they trik us with a sprinkle of seafood flavour or whotever. Only meens
they carried the drums out of the factory past a fish or somewhot.
Seafood my furry blue butt!!
Fortunattly the Old Fart often drink a beer too many during dinner on
front of the TV and fall asleep with his dinner tray on front of him. I
especialy like the steak and fries. The Old Fart wake up much later and
find all the steak and fries gone but can't remember if he ate it or
not. Har! Har! Thusly I can vary my dinner menu from time to time while
at the same time save the fat old bugger from the excess colesteral
fatts and other bad stuff! Tho I do like most things however I can warn
all other kittys to avoid the chili! After all these years suffering
from the after effects of chili dinners at the hand of the Old Fart -
did I say hands - whotever, the burning blue farts that is the
inevitable results of chili dinners is bad enuff when the Old Fart is
firing them off - but when it is one self committing the crime, you can
not run away and are stuk with the stench wherever you try to hide.
Chili most good but after effects to be avoided at all costs. Other hot
stuff the same but necessary to sample whotever is available cause
lives of all cats offer few oppertunitys to sample fine cuisine and we
must take advantage when we can. In the interim there is the kitty
dreck and the water bowl. Oh well things could be worse and if the Old
Fart eats Mexican agane tonite it certanely will be!
PS - If you must sample the chili then try the beer too!
2005/9/26
@ 11:10 AM (35 months, 17 days ago)
It
was a dark and stormy nite - the nite Mrs Ruzniki's poodle Pookums
disappear never to be seen agane by anybody alive! The bird say here
dark and stormy nite is a kleeshae of the most awefull type, but what
is good enuff for the likes of Vincent Price is truely good enufe for
beginning my storey. Besides why is dark and stormy nite a bad thing
while naming your poodle Pookums, Pookie or Pookie Wookey and such
stuff that make me wretch and puke up my kitty dreck, not most truly
revolting. Nobody tell Mrs Ruzniki to call the fuzzy rat Leopold or
Ferdinand or some such other fat name as those!
Anyhow
it was in fact a plessant summer evening but this an inappropriate
beginning for a mysterie or horror story. Did I say horror - well maybe
getting rid of Pookums (wretch, wretch) seem more like and uplifting
good type story! - but I digress!
The
fuzzy rat bark continously, crap on the Old Farts' doorstep and
genuinely annoy and otherwise piss me off! Good ridance fuzzy rat dog!
In
any case when he disappeare a grate mysterie start and little did I
know what I would be named the chief suspekt and face the chair for my
crimes! ! !
Ruzniki
claim she last saw Pookums (gag, gag) playing alone in his own back
yard. But if the fuzzy rat was alone how come she know he is alone if
she was there and what he was doing while he was alone. My own
suspicions were arroused by her story which no detective would akcept
on the face of it! I suspekt Mrs Ruzniki right away after such
statements full of holes but I kept my suspichions to myself at first
but when I am fingered no one would listen to me! Only need to look at
the evil old lady to know she hate all cats and that she desperate to
pin the crime on me! Yes I know Pookums (ack, ack) runing about and
bark, bark an such, making an unholy din annoying everone but most
especialy me! But no one ever see me at the crime scene and so can
hardly think me responsible. In any case barking go on incessantly and
when suddenly stopped, alert evil Ruzniki that fuzzy rat is gone!
.........to be continued.........................................................
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2005/9/11
@ 02:32 PM (36 months, 2 days ago)
Don't
worry kids! So the new season of the Cat is a no-brainer. Gird your
loins and hold on tight cause the tenth season of Mr. Grant's Cat is
about to begin. Yes, believe it or not, the Cat has been polluting the
e-waves for almost ten years. Join him again this year.
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@ 02:28 PM (36 months, 2 days ago)
